GODDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to a temple today. Now, you may ask me what is so special in that. And I would say that I’m not a believer. I haven’t been to a temple in years. Then the ultimate question. Why did I go? Well, it is my cousin who made me go. My little cousin for whom I’m much more than a sister. It was his birthday today and last week he had asked me whether I would take him to the nearby Hanuman temple. And I said yes. It was not because I wanted to go, but I was curious how he behaves in a temple. And he behaved like any other pious child who thinks that god watches over him and he doesn’t have to be responsible for anything. I asked him why he wanted me to go with him. He said just because he wanted me to. And I wonder, how can I get him to think? He does think. He asked me twice if there is god (once when he was three), as though his tiny brain tells him there is not. His explanation was that people tell him there are no ghosts. So, if evil doesn't exist, how can good exist? Isn't that against reason? I told him that love was god( that was the best i could do when he was three). He wasn't convinced because his heart wants to believe. And sometimes when human heart wants to believe something, it refuses to let the mind focus. This incident made me go back to my childhood days. I was never a true believer. From when I could remember, I was an agnostic. I would continuously question the validity of faith and this entity we so fearfully worship. My journey to atheism was never easy. It was wrought with dynamic stages which sought to tie me down to faith. At one stage I was forced to imitate piety for the sake of my sanity. It was like poison which you choose to inhale. Consuming the whole of you slowly and not letting go. So, when I realized that I shouldn’t have let my mind slide, whatever be the reason for my weakness, I decided to pump out the poison. I still find it hard when it comes to doing certain things. But, yes, I faced my fears. I told myself that my destiny is what I make, what I choose. It is not pre determined. Now, let me assure you I believe in pre determinism, but not in the way that faith pictures it. But, the problem I faced when I deviated from faith was something far worse than I had imagined. I had always thought that not believing does not make a difference to the person. But it did. Now since I had no one to turn to, no higher power which would protect me, I had a choice to make. I could either turn a blind eye and return to faith which is what a friend of mine did (she told me she knows god doesn’t exist, but she needs someone to rely on), or I could choose to continue to be a non believer knowing that I’m the master of my soul and so I need to get my act together, always, without waiting for god to throw down a rope to get me out of the ditch. Obviously I chose the latter. It was bliss. My destiny is mine to write. There is no fate that I can’t control. There are only choices. Every choice I make triggers an event. This awareness is far above faith. The faith that I don’t have to think. Or that I don’t have to worry about future. Now, I fear for my cousin. What is he being pushed into? A labyrinth of faith and belief with no cognitive understanding. No thought. I try to tell him not to believe too much without getting to an age where he could read. Nowadays i find it harder and harder to get him to think about god because the social facilitation of mind numbing is strong. I’m not saying I want him not to believe. But I want him to be given the choice to debate. To be given the choice to reject or accept the hypotheses of god by a valid methodology. From what I have seen though, there is nothing such as skeptical truth in faith. Either you believe or you don’t. Today, his brother told me to at least put the vermilion or pretend like I’m praying. By choosing not to pray, am I sinning? I asked him later whether the sky fell down because I didn’t pray. My only hope when I said those words was that nothing bad happens then and there. For, if such an incident were to occur, no question that I’ll have to hear… see I told you so. Such is the power of blind faith. Such is the power of the fear of unknown.