Weddings (thse might be simple words when read, but it a lot more to my friends and me)

Weddings used to make me sick. For me as a girl, the major part of the wedding would be spent trying to get away from ‘aunties’ who ask why am I not wearing enough gold or try and wheedle out family information out of me.( Later of course, I grew up not even caring to answer them, just smile. Or maybe I should try what a friend did. When asked why she doesn’t wear any gold, she retorted that it is because her parents didn’t have enough money.) So, I would be quietly sitting somewhere, not intruding in anything, watching all the rituals, counting the minutes and rolling my eyes when somebody sniffed or cried.

But, then my perception began to change, I began to and still see weddings as a new beginning rather than the ‘going away’ process. I was happy for the couple, sad for the parents who were throwing away such money on a one time affair.

But, a couple of months back, Achu got married. She is a very close friend of mine. She got married with all the pompousness of a typical upper middle class Hindu malayalee wedding! She blushed and looked and was happy like a bride should be. And, standing there, looking at the whole process, I felt nothing but happiness, but, I had to leave early to catch my train back to my university since I had an exam the next day. So, I said goodbye, and the groom, now the husband, came to say goodbye to us two best friends of hers who were leaving. And after the jokes and all (we knew him before, so it was ok!), I just said, ‘Take good care of her, ok?’. And he just laughed and joked about it.

But, the moment I said it, I knew I was choking, I couldn’t breathe. It was a new beginning, a time to celebrate, according to my theory, then why was I sad? Why am I choked up now, remembering the episode? Let that question marinate for sometime.

And then, after a peaceful period, the next one, Suja got married. I was prepared for it, telling Nisha it will be fine, she will be happy, though she will go away to the USA after a few months, it is for the best, etc. And I was happy the day before. We spent the night with Suja, talking about the big day. But, again, I was not ready for the tears that came to my eyes when the thaali (or in hindi, the mangalsutra) was tied. I laughed to her about it and she told me she had expected atleast a complete break down from me. Well yeah, she would expect it. Whenever I get angry at her for something, she just smiles at me till I stop shouting and break out laughing. She knows the power she has over me. Again, I had to leave early for an exam (I do have to tell Nisha not to get married on a Sunday and especially not before an exam!) and this time, I was a bit relieved I wasn’t there when she left with the groom. Perhaps I may not have been so stoic there as I wish I could be.

And now, another close friend (not Nisha) is getting married. And I tell her that she shouldn’t expect any mushy stuff from me. We also talk about the adjustment issues, we speculate over the future, another great friend cries over the idea that she wouldn’t see the ‘old you’ anymore after the wedding, you know… the whole girly girly stuff! And even as I tell her that I won’t cry or anything, I can sense something creeping up in me, something unknown, something that makes me do these things I don’t want to. And I realize what it is. It is just love. I love them so much, I am happy for the whole new beginning, and it is this happiness, the anxiety of how they would fair in their new lives, the sadness that I cannot perceive my friend as she was before – a single human being, and feeling like some body is ripping a part right out of my heart and taking it away on a platter that makes me so weirdly sad.

And I decide that I should let that sadness be there, after all, it is a part of my happiness.