So, well here I go again. When I wanted to write, I had two topics in mind, both running off in opposite directions. Obviously I chose only one. It is about me. You see, only when life throws something big at you that you even realize that you are capable of catching it without falling down. Or even if you do fall down, life seldom waits for you to get up and pick up the pieces. The winner is not the one who doesn’t fall, but the one who falls, gets up, brushes off his/her defeat and stares at life in its face. I realized this only a short while back. So I thought maybe I should write about what I have learnt in the past month. It may seem strange. But like I said, you need to wait till life taunts you cruelly to see how strong you are. As I write this, there is a strange sensation at the pit of my stomach. My critics tell me that my most endearing quality as a writer is the honesty of my words. Perhaps it is this honesty that I am scared of. Doesn’t matter. Consider it another of my rants. Where do I start?
Where better than love! I learnt that love is the strongest word in the dictionary. It is stronger than words, swords or the most evil cause that can be conjured by the human mind. I am not talking about the eternal love that beseeches you and lets you believe life is euphoric. I am talking about falling down, looking around helpless and suddenly everyone whom you thought had turned against you gives a hand. I had that moment a while back. There was not a murmur of disapproval, no questions, no accusations. However much I might’ve pained them, they held me tight without even a tremor of anger. Only my pain mattered to them. It is that love that brought me back to reality. The highlight of that period was when my brother with whom I was fighting for silly reasons, one who always expressed his love in the un-loveliest ways, put his arm over my shoulder and told me that he cannot be mushy, he doesn’t know how to be, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. This unconditional love gives me the protection that I thought I could get from an ephemeral infatuation.
Then I learnt that no matter what I won’t crumble. I considered myself to be too fragile which I am not. I have strength in me which originates from my heart. Somehow, my heart throbs are stronger than ever. And now, they beat only for me. That liberates me. After all, goddesses need gods, not mediocre human beings. (Didn't mean to say I'm a goddess, but hinting at my self worth and who should be worthy of me.) I feel not like Virginia Woolf or Silvia Plath, but rather like Joan of Arc. I am ready to fight for what I believe till am burnt at stake.I am not going down as a coward or as a woman who weeps over her lost dreams. Dreams change. But I have only one life.
Third, I rediscovered the forces of nature. When earlier it was the vastness of the ocean that mesmerized me, now it is the wave. There was this one day when I was standing at the edge of the water allowing the waves to sweep past my feet. Then somehow I was drawn forward. I remember looking at the huge incoming wave and getting scared. I don’t know how to swim. What if I am pulled in? But I stood there, my heart beating fast, wanting to run back to safety. When the wave crashed, it swept past me, higher than my waist and pulled back with the same force. And I was still standing. It might seem trivial. But it was wonderful to me. When the next big wave came, I told myself – Look at it, those are your fears; you can either run or face them. If you run, you remain safe, but you remain scared and scarred. Face them, the salt heals your wounds, but whether or not you fall, you remain true.
Around ten to fifteen such waves later, I was standing still, drenched to my bones. But still standing.
Then I learnt something. You can’t build reality on passion. Passion is something to fly on, not to build on. Passion doesn’t earn trust. It is transitory and momentary. Love is not. Love holds. And the funniest thing is, the passion had never earned trust. All the promises of taking care and protection held from me the truth that i didn't need to be protected. I have done that my whole life without flinching and holding fast to my courage of conviction. Had the trust been earned, I would still be crying over losses, not happy that I escaped my soul’s death. For now, I cease running. No nightmares. Now I know that safety and that light becomes me. Something I have to spread, not extinguish. Yes, it is hard. When you strip naked to your soul and then try and get the whole system to work again. The snake's head keeps popping up and asking 'why?' 'why?' 'why?'. The snake of hatred. It is hard to find the anti-venom to its poison which tries to invade my heart. The only protection is my purity. My love. I cannot hate. Simple truth - I don't need to hate to love this world or feel loved. And that frees me.
So yes, i learnt quite a few things over the last month. And I'm happy I did. Because for the first time in 21 months, I'm actually alive.
Didn’t Maya Angelou say something like ‘We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated.'?
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